a bit too much to swallow
wow do i have a lot on my mind right now. i don't even no where to begin.
i just got home. and i just learned that a really close friend of mine is going down the same awkward road that ive gone down SO many times before. it has nothing to do with drugs or anything, but im really worried about him cuz every time i went down that road it led me to the same result, i got completley mindfucked. i just hope he doesnt end up like me... bleeding to death in a bathroom stall. or in a psych ward with a nose full of coke. it was a brief discussion but i warned him, i dont knwo if hes gonan listen to me, he probably wont. but either he will or he'll learn for himself. but i dunno, maybe its just me, maybe im the fucked up one and it had nothing to do with what hes doing. whatever im too vague for anyone to understand what im talking about anyway.

yeah so today i met with my sponser for breakfast and we had a chill time. then i wanted to go to an a.a. meeting but i got there kind of early and for some reason i decided to leave. that sort of scares me now that i come to think of it. i have been doing a lot of shady things like that latley. im going back to my old self and i so dont want to be that. ive been lying to my mom a lot. today me and chase (this kid from rehab who im not supposed to hang out with because of the rehab rules) hung out all day. i mean when i started this i was so dedicated to being sober and at least following most of the programs rules. and i dont think that im working my program at all. i dont know what happend. its really bugging me but i have no motivation. this could be for a couple of reasons. 1. no sober kids that i want to hang out with want to hang out with me. they hate me. i try to call fucking conner all the time, but he never picks up or just fucking ditches me, same with steve. i dont know what skor's deal is. dimitry is the same way. stephanie doesnt make any real solid effort to hang out with me either. that brings me to my second reason.

i ditched a.a. today to hang out with steph. this wasn't that good of a choice i guess. but now i dunno, my sort of 'proximity infatuation' with her is gone. i was initially happy do be friends with her again and it gave me a reason to wake up in the morning, it got me motivated to work my program and be sober and do sober things. but, i dunno, its just the same bullshit. i dunno what im talking about, i should really get my thoughts sorted out before i write these things. but i still love you stephanie. remember no matter what i say.

yeah so me and chase went frolfing with ricky shappy pat singer and oren. it was really fun, but i did pretty shitty. then we had a really chill time just sitting at rickys, in his backyard with his bon fire thing. it was a relaxing night we were with a buncha people.

oh yeah i got a speeding ticket today that sucked, im on supervision, and i have another ticket, and im driving on 3 tickets right now. i dont know how much longer im gonna have my lisence. this sucks.

yeah i dont have much to say im in a moderate mood.

im going to go pay a visit to holden.

goodnight salutations.