| Four days is fucking eternity (creative writing #4) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2004|12:03 am] |
Four days passed
Four days to put off the best way to put a put down
Trying to be nice, causing no frowns
Procrastination causing relaxation setting in for the final cue of expected hopelessness
You inspire me
To never look another girl in the eyes again
I never ever want to know what lies within
Cuz I can’t bare anymore scars
I hope you’re happy, that’s all I really want you to be
I hope you’re happy, sleeping, and completely alone
Pick you’re words wisely
Every letter of every syllable, and every predicate and verb
You wouldn’t want to hurt him
You wouldn’t want to lose him
This decision, will come back to you.
One day, you will hurt too.
I hope you’re lonely, that’s all I really want you to be.
I hope you’re lonely, sleeping, and completely uncertain about anything.
Leading on isn’t proper terminology.
An invitation, with no number to R.S.V.P.
I gave my response, but I guess the timing was all off.
There’s nothing I can do now.
Nothing, just fall off.
Break you’re stare.
There’s nothing to see here. |
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| i love you all (changed a lil bit cuz my picture of a gun wouldnt load) |
[Jun. 30th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | postal service- district sleeps alone tonight | ] |
i didnt go out tonight
i dont have friends anymore
no one calls me ever
bitch bitch bitch
...
more bitching
worst summer ever
bitch
bitch
i'm useless
i hate myself
complain
bitch
im wasting my fucking life
im a junior
2 years of highschool fucked away
complain
...
bitch
bitch bitch
im lost
bitch
im confused
i dont belong
bitch
fucking more complaining
bitch bitch
bitch
it seems like all these years of neglecting people that mean the world to me has finally come back to bite me in the ass. now im all alone like i deserve to be. if i had some advice for people it would be to be as nice as possible to people and to not be a dick... i wouldnt want this to happen to you. im fucking mean to everyone and i drove away anyone that ever loved me or wanted anything to do with me, and now i have no friends and its just me, my regrets, my live journal, my colt 45 magnum (joke, dont call the cops), and my sense of humor. it used to be me and my bottle, but i dont even have that anymore. they say that "the good die young, but pricks live forever." but ive spent my whole life being a prick and i wish i was dead. if i had spent even a small fraction of the time being nice or being good to people i would probably be in a lot better spot right now. but what can i say.. what goes around comes around.
i deserve this
i deserve this
do i really deserve this?
**'Smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty
And i'm barely listening to last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath where i am?
I'll wear my badge... a vinyl sticker with bigh block letters adherent to my chest
That tells your new friends i am a visitor here...
I am not permanent
And the only thing keeping me dry is where i am
You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that i am just visiting
And i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving'**
anyway my life is shit right now, im so bored that i look forward to sleeping everyday.
so fuck everyone
unless you want to hang out then i love you
i love you all actually if you read this
because you are all the closest things i have to friends
otherwise everyone else can die
but lets end this on a good note
i love you all
have an amazing night |
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| man, i just dont know |
[Jun. 28th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | At the Drive-in- Rascuache, or atmosphere- love life | ] |
i need to do something. i need to purify, because i am stuck in a fucking rut. i can't stand being here anymore, i blame this town, my job, my friends, my mom, but the truth is its me. i need to stop blowing off things that are important to me in exchange for youthful magic moments. i mean, i've been trying to hang out with this girl that i wanna hook up with but its impossible cuz she has completely different friends than mine, so i keep blowing her off. the only reason i do that is just in case i have the opportunity to get fucked up and its really fucking pitiful. i wanna practice playing guitar, but i just sit around and bitch how theres nothing to do instead. i wanna work out but watching tv is so much easier. i mean i don't even know who i am anymore. i'm a big fucking pile of bullshit wrapped in a joke, i don't even know where to go, where i'm welcome, who i'm friends with. i got banned from joseph's house a few days ago because i told wendy to fuck herself, its a long story, but she's stupid. all my friends usually gather there and i'm not welcome when shes home so that sucks. i'm not that pissed really, all i ever do there is sit in a shitty garage, watch other people smoke weed, then get pressured into driving a buncha people to some place that i dont want to go to while listening to bad music.
i should just pack my shit and move away.
i don't go to a.a. meetings anymore really, i just forge signatures on my form and lie and shit. i have to start going to those or im gonna get caught, i can feel it. i can pretty much narrow all of my problems into one thing.... all i really want is my life back. i want my group of friends, i want my freedom, i don't want to deal with any bullshit that comes with age. i want to have fun, i want to get high, i wanna be happy. i want to love and to be loved. everythings so fucked up these days, things just need to be like the old times, before everyone got shady, back when there was such a thing as trust, loyalty, respect, and love. no one ever talked about it, but it was there. now all we are is lies and bullshit and i hate it.
my health is also fucking horrible, i might be forced to quit smoking really soon. whatever.
i want a life worth dying for. cuz right now i'm really indifferent. i want to live. the other day this car ran a red light and almost hit me. i would have died instantly, cuz it was on my side. me and evan discussed how we almost died, then we came to the conclusion that if we had died we would be perfectly content. immediately after saying this i realized that it was true. and if i died i wouldnt care. that sucks. so i want a life worth living. i wanna go out and do something with my life. i dont know if i will but i fucking want to. im striving for change, i want to live.
i want to live.
i want to live.
i want life.
i want to love my life. |
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| save me |
[Jun. 21st, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | Modest Mouse- Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset | ] |
for the past few weeks i've been drinking pretty steadily, i also smoked pot once. i have been a dick to everyone i talk to. i have sunk into my old ways as quick as everyone promised. i continue to go to a.a. meetings in attempt to salvage any good thats left inside me. my nights all consist of bon fires, and i went clubbing on saturday. i was pretty drunk and it was an okay time. i don't think i'll be going back to the club though. all it gave me was a boner and a headache. you can only grind with random hoes for so long.
so every night i come home after convincing my mom that im not drunk or stoned i ty to convince her that getting drunk or stoned is okay, and thats not progressing at all. and to that off i've had this horrible horrible cough for the last few weeks and it just doesnt get any better no matter how much antibiotics or cough medicine i take. nothing is progressing. nothing.
so a lot of people wanna know: why'd ya do it bot? you were doing so good, why did you start drinking and smoking? why'd ya fall off the wagon?
heres the answer. i fucking hate reality. i hate who i am. other people might like a sober me, but i dont. there has always been something missing in my life, i dunno... something, someone maybe. but that somethings not there, and alcohol and drugs is an equal or better substitute. i don't have the disease of alcoholism, i have the disease of ihateeverythingism and drinking is just a side effect. i would love for someone or something to fill that void in my life so i wouldnt have to drink or smoke or do drugs, but that doesnt seem likely. i would love for me to be happy without that shit but i dont think thats going to happen. somebody save me. |
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| a very different person (creative writing #3) |
[Jun. 20th, 2004|01:58 am] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | Needle in the Hay- Elliot Smith | ] |
botsomeone else has been asleep for sometime now. i'm here to take over the show. i have a headache from too much alcohol and robitussin, but i will be writing. count on that.
i am mikes disease
i thrive off of his depression
i am fuled by alcohol and drugs
i am chronic and eventually fatal
while mike was sober i was doing pushups in the corner of his mind
theres only one thing that can stop me
only one thing
i don't feel
i don't fear
i don't die
when i see will power i laugh
when i see sobriety i run like hell
when i see love i curl up and cry
i am going to eat mike alive
*clubbing is not my scene* |
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| i <3 atmosphere |
[Jun. 9th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
*
I used to know this woman who had the most beautiful
tattoos on the top sides of both of her hands
she was forty three years old and as far as I know
had never yet been with a man
its not that she wasn't attractive she was beatiful
but its the way that she interacted
she was aggressively passive to the point where she
would of intimidated any mitt that ever tried to catch her
on the right hand she had a tattoo of a nude girl
she claimed it is what God resembled
but on the left she had a mirrored image of the same female
and this one she explained looked like the devil
I remember once watching her touch her own breasts
how the tattoos smiled as they stared down her stomach
as if anticipating would they be allowed to caress
the sweet flower that they both seemed to hunger
now maybe I was high but it felt so right
heaven and hell both take to this womans womb
it didn't make sense how she could commence
touching herself with me wide awake in the same room
now if I've learned anything in my years
I learned I no longer believe in surprise
but what happened next damn near stole my tears
the tattoos came alive right in front of my eyes
they both slowly stood up and climbed off her hands
and showed me why she never took some time with a man
they climbed deep inside of this woman's garden
she closed her eyes and she gently bit her bottom lip
I stepped I left and I don't regret leaving
and I'll never forget all the things I saw that evening
a glimpse of religion a piece of coming closer
to understanding more about what intrigues me most
I didn't get turned on I just got turned
I wasn't as aroused as I was concerned
for each one of em I've hurt
and every time I've been burned
I've got a lot to teach but even more to learn
so now I keep my eyes open hoping to take in all I can
about Woman taking in all she can
and for as long as I breath i'll save a seat in my memory
for that woman with the tattooed hands
There's good and evil in each individual fire
identifies needs and feeds our desires
as long as we keep our spirit inspired
she can bite her bottom lip all she wants
*
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| jet lag jet laaaag |
[Jun. 2nd, 2004|11:59 pm] |
i spent the last few days in long island, new york. it was boring and cool at the same time. i'll work back wards in telling the story. today i woke up at 630 newyork time, which is 530 here. we left the house at seven to catch a 9 o clock flight out of la guardia airport in ny. as soon as i got on the plane a fell the fuck asleep. i woke up and it was ten o clock chicago time (i had gained an hour) and it was wierd cuz i closed my eyes and then i wake up and we're in a different state. after being in newyork all weekend i realized how much i love chicago, and how much better it is than new york. i dont love living here, i just think its better than new york. yeah so as soon as i got home, me and my cat went to sleep, then i woke up like three hours later, ate some mac n cheese and went back to sleep, then i woke up had some chips, and went back to sleep. i dont know what it is but i woke up at about 9ish. yeah so the only person i've talked to all weekend is shipley... and i think thats awesome because she is awesome. we're supposed to chill tomorrow, but i dunno if thats gonna work out. so to some that up the whole jet lag thing is really shitty and i hated it.
on tuesday the first, i was awakened by this girl named sam i know from long island. she ditched her last few classes to chill with me cuz we prolly wont see eachother again for a really long time, not like it matters or anything, but whatever. so she woke me up and it scared the fuck outta me. then we went to a deli and chilled at a mall for a little while. then she dropped me off and that was the last i ever saw of her. i had my uncle's wedding that night. i got all dressed up in a suite and shit. the wedding was at the plaza hotel (the hotel from home alone 2) and its not at all as nice as you think it would be. it was pretty boring, the food was pretty good. the rabbi's cellphone rang in the middle of him talking, it was funny. the open bar tempted me a lot but i resisted. i came home dead tired at like 1230... and i had a flight early the next morrning.
on monday we all woke up early to go downtown to Manhattan, its a really cool looking city, but i wouldnt want to live there. theres all these fake gucci and designer bags and watches that they sell. i got a newyork style hot dog and a bootleg dvd. the dvd is actually not bad quality... it was four bucks for any movie thats in the theaters right now. i got troy. i wouldve gotten kill bill vol. 2, but i think that would take away from the experience. then we went to some awesome new york style pizza place. then we went home. and me and my aunts boyfriend (whos a recovering alcoholic) went to an a.a. meeting. he's a really nice guy, but he tries to hard to please people.
on sunday we all had a barbecue with my entire family, it was like a family reunion kind of thing. the food was good, the people sucked. i didn't do shit on sunday.
on saturday i woke up early and flew to long island. my aunt picked us up. her house is really nice. she got a new house ever since she divorced her husband for being a cokehead drug dealer or some shit. when i got there i went to chill with sam right away. we went record shopping at tower records. then we went out later that night and went to some party, but mostly to deli's and wierd long island places where you can't smoke inside. theres a new fucking law in new york that you can't smoke inside ANYWHERE, not even in bars! what kind of shit is that? fuck new york. fuck smoker discrimination! yeah so her friends are pretty hot and the night was fun, in a lame way.
i checked out spring fling and bbq'd at kogans with feather on friday. i had to go home early to pack.
all in all my weekend was fun but borring. it was different, away from the common reality of everyday bullshit, but all it was was sitting around. my friend sam didnt have much time to hang out with me, cuz she has some wierd new boyfriend, i didn't really wanna hangout with my aunt's boyfriend steve cuz he was to eager to go out and chill and shit. so i guess i just had an okay time sitting in one spot and watching stand up comedy and curb your enthusiasm re-runs. but the most disappointing this of this weekend was the realization that i'll have to wait till next week to watch the sopranos finale.
tomarrow i have to take 3 finals, and im taking 1 on friday cuz i missed all that shit. hopefully i'll hang out with megan afterwards, but i dunno, cuz i have rush from 630-830, but i'll work around it. i can work around anything.
lazy days.
sorry for being long and keeping you in your chair this long.
goodnight |
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| everything must change |
[May. 25th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
my problems are so insignificant i dont even want to talk about them. i have in-school, mezzano bit me and now i have syphillis. my life sucks. i had 3 months sober on monday. i went offroading in my car this weekend. i went to a concert this weekend. i hate in-school so much. complain complain complain.im going to long island soon. summer is around the corner. i bought a pack of p funks today, i havnt smoked those in a while.
latley life has been like driving in nuetral without the headlights on at night.
it's just me and the breeze now.
i don't even give a fuck.
anymore.
its like i have two forces pushing me into oppisite directions... for now im gonna just stand still but eventually, and pretty soon i'm gonna explode. and its gonna be crazy.
craaaaazy.
bye. |
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| take this for what its worth |
[May. 20th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
i appologize for that survey... i dont know what i was thinking i guess i was just bored. but zach you need to fuck off.
i got fucking busted smoking a cig today at school. then i ran. then when they caught me i lied. i have 3 days of fucking in school and a saturday school. it fucking sucks. tomarrow im doing a drug lecture at vhhs to freshman health classes. that should be really interesting. im gonna feel like a dork. but at least i get out of school. (actually im really doing it so i can hang out with this hot girl thats doing it from my rehab) dont i look noble? dont i seem as if i care about someone other than myself?
looks can be decieving.
my morale is at an alltime low.
however im going to long island next week for my uncles wedding and that seems promising.
im also going to a show on friday and i havnt been to one in SOOO long. plus i finally get to see the get up kids in concert. bombo.
yeah well i decided that i have the coolest 3 letter name in the world
nothing beats it
so fuck everyone that thinks their 3 letter name is cooler than mine
oh yeah i shaved my beard because i looked too much like a terrorist (especially with my castro hat), but now i have this wierd goatee thing thats different than anything ive had before.
well peace love and tranquility to all
i bid you good evening my brothers and sisters. |
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| survey # 1 |
[May. 19th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | Pink Floyd | ] |
Last Cigarette:: about 10 minutes ago
Last Alcoholic Drink:: feb. 23rd
Last Car Ride:: w/ mom on the way home from woodfield
Last Good Cry:: in residential rehab after cutting my hand on a nail from a desk i just shattered
Last Library Book checked out:: no idea
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:: troy
Last Book Read:: 1984
Last Movie Rented:: jackie brown
Last Cuss Word Uttered:: cunt
Last Beverage Drank:: green tea
Last Food Consumed:: italian sandwhich
Last Crush:: can't remember
Last Phone Call:: brian, my sponsor
Last TV Show Watched:: fraiser
Last Time Showered:: yesterday
Last Shoes Worn:: reeboks
Last CD Played:: death cab
Last Item Bought:: a suit
Last Annoyance:: my cat
Last Disappointment:: myself
Last Soda Drank:: livewire
Last Thing Written:: livewire
Last Key Used:: car key
Last Word Spoken:: ehh
Last Sleep:: this morning
Last IM:: AflightAcrash (11:47:00 PM): i miss you like hell kling
Last Weird Encounter:: dufor at walker brothers when i was with my parents
Last Ice Cream Eaten:: vanilla
Last Time Amused:: today watching seinfeld/beating up my dad while he was asleep
Last Time Wanting To Die:: yesterday
Last Time In Love:: few months ago
Last Time Hugged:: yesterday
Last Time Scolded:: a few moments ago
Last Time Resentful:: saturday
Last Chair Sat In:: the computer chair
Last Underwear Worn:: black joe boxers for like 4 days now
Last Shirt Worn:: i had a swig at nigs
Last Webpage Visited:: livejournal
-----------------------------------------
1.Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 20, and find line 3:: "and how may help meet their needs"
2.Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? lamp
3.What is the last thing you watched on TV? fraiser
4.WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is? 12:33
5.Now, look at the clock, what is the actual time? 12:50
6.With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? airplanes and traffic, the wonderful sounds of silence
7.When did you last step outside? my 10:00 cig break
8.Before you came to this website, what did you look at? winamp
9.What are you wearing? shorts and a cozumel shirt(even tho ive never been there)
10.Did you dream last night? yes
11.When did you last laugh? A few hours ago
12.What is on the walls of your room? posters, pictures, and blood spattered memories.
13.If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? montana
14.Tell me something about you that I don't know? tell me something that you think you know about me.
15.Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Margot
16.. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Uzi |
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| better and worse. |
[May. 17th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | Atmosphere - Don't ever fucking question that | ] |
my car has placed freedom before me. the way i have chosen to use it in some cases is wrong. sometimes i'll go to a party or something where i know there will be drinking when i should be at an a.a. meeting or a fellowship opportunity. i've just been sort of down in the dumps lately. i'm using my old ways of thinking again i guess in order to trick myself into betraying myself or lying to myself. its complicated.
but my old way of thinking is that everyone is alone, society doesnt exist, if it does i want no part of it. everyone is fake and unhappy, we are all just waiting for our doom. the a.a. programs are brain washing bullshit... there are no such things as addictions, religion, structure, democracy is all just hypocrisy. so live fast, do drugs, be irresponsible, kill, be killed, die young. that pretty much sums it up.
and its this way of thinking that gets me into trouble. on saturday night i was at elizebeth hurlihys house (i should have been at the 10 o clock day by day meeting in highland park) where everyone was drinking and smoking and shit. and i have never ever had such a temptation to drink. ever. i am so ever greatful to have a good friend like oren that stopped me. i just wanted to get fucked up and i didnt even care about the consequences, if any. see i'm not an alcoholic, im not a pothead. im addicted to surrealism. anything thats unreal is for me. anything to get me out of my own shoes, my inhibitions for a moment is my D.O.C. (drug of choice).
the thing is that i used to hate myself and i wanted to die. now i hate my life and i want it to change. that sounds better. but it doesnt feel better. at the same time im happy that shortly within the past couple of days im slowly regaining relationships that at one point meant the world to me. i want to pursue a new friendship with megan. we can re-meet as to completely different people now. and i can rekindle old with kling. i hope i don't fuck anything up for the time being. i'm coming up to 3 months and i'm only holding on to the wagon by my fucking fingernails. meanwhile im gonna be out of town for finals, my fucking cat is sick cuz he just got his goddamn nuts chopped off, my sponsor is tweakin out cuz he broke up with his girlfriend, and everything around me is falling apart while im trying so hard to maintain and its driving me insane!!!
but hey i gotta keep moving
keep truckin
god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference between. |
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| fair is foul and foul is fair |
[May. 11th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | Ugly Cassanova (Sharpen Your Teeth LP) | ] |
things are changing. i can feel it. i remember me... i do now at least. the old me- before anyone ever thought i was cool. my ego has blinded me from remembering who i was for so long now. but now the haze has cleared and my annoying old habits are coming into play. the truth is i never used to be outgoing. i never used to be crazy, sure i was rebellious... but i used to give a fuck. i have adopted many new personalities throughout the years. some of them have worked out while others have not. the truth is at heart i'm deprived, timid, overly philosophical, opinionated, self-conscience, shy, and needy. i threw that all away years ago. the people that knew me way back when i was me have changed, and recently i feel the people i know now i don't know anymore. it's like everyday there's all these people: i say hi to all of them and some of them even say hi to me. but when i get home i'm all alone and the phone never rings. if it did i'm not even sure if i would pick up. it's like i have a million acquaintances and not one friend in the whole world. it's times like these when i think about drinking and doing drugs again. please don't leave me any "dont throw it all away" comments, those are fucking lame. but its times like these when silence means everything. and yet i would give anything just to hear someone speak. it's all too confusing, i know that some day my mind will be the end of me.
so what made me feel this way to begin with i guess is just recently ive been feeling so awkward and out of place. like in school if i go up to talk to a group of people, the circle doesnt open up like it used to. if i try to slip in a comment in someones conversation its usually ignored. i float around to different groups of people but all the results are the same. once in awhile there'll be a group that is terrified by my presents and will listen to something i have to say but not reply. thats even worse. i don't belong. it's the most empty feeling in the world. more and more often i have solo cigarette breaks at school, i beg people to go with me but no one will. no one wants anything to do with me. when i was an addict at least i was someone. at least i had a group that i belonged in. now im nobody. now im just washed up, dry, pale and stale. i wish this upon no one.
pray and pray for better days.
the night ends. |
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| 10 days ago, the doctor he said so. he told me... |
[May. 9th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | Modest Mouse | ] |
i havn't written in ten days. i was just waiting for someone to complain. well for an update: operation shut everyone i know out of life is working out well. i've been hanging out with new kids 24-7 now. i don't ever go to anna's anymore, i don't want to be there and i dont think anyone would want me there anyway. i've been going to a.a. meetings basically everyday now. on saturday i went to a huge sober party downtown on the penthouse of this huge building. it was pretty bomb, but i dunno it wasnt really my scene so me and chase left at like 10 and chilled in the city for awhile then went back home and chilled with some deerfield girls that was fun. my weekends usually consist of card playing and a.a. meetings and fellowship activities (after meetings all go out to eat or go to some kids house) and shit like that usually. today i went to P.F. Changs for mothers day, that was good. the best part was that my grandma gave me 20$ for no reason and that i got this hostess's number. shes pretty fine but i don't think im gonna call her. she goes to gbn and she knows some people that i know and shit but i dunno, i'm not looking for any sort of relationship right now.
i think i'm progressing really nicely, i'm more serious about this than steve or even conner are i think. i think this is a way more positive lifestyle change for me. i have my car back and its AWESOME! i missed it so much. my dad got a 200$ detailing job done to it as a present (but he also told my mom that it was really cuz he didnt want any traces of drugs in the car) and my friend rob from new trier is gonna install a system in my car for FREE a huge bumpin one cuz he wants to enter my car into a competition. its gonna be bombo.
but yeah if anyone i used to hang out with, or anyone that reads this wants to be friends with me, dont think that just because im trying to break contact with everyone that i dont want to be your friend. if you wanna chill, then tell me, i'll be glad... i just dont want to be around drugs and shit anymore. i am becoming spiritually intact and i dont want to compromise that, think of me as mormon. ha. hardcore mormon.
anyway i hope this entry finds you well... leave comments or i wont write, goodnight
...every skyline and every night spent alone is tearing me apart. he told me i need to get some help, i need to fly out to montana, its quiet-way past the electric lines, out where no one will know my name. |
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| i wanna think what i should know |
[Apr. 30th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | The Appleseed Cast (low level owl lps) | ] |
today i was in school for only like a few hours. then i went to court and asked for my third continuance in an attempt to savor or think of some way to not get my license suspended. my request was granted and i got it. so i basically just hung out for the rest of the day, i went to rush and hit a meeting afterward with some rush friends. then i went and chilled at this dude craigs house til like 130. i had a lot of sober fun, but most of all what was good is that im being true to my fuck everyone oath to myself. i dont really want anything to do with anyone from my school, cuz i dont think they want anything to do with me, so be it. im done calling people that hate me and asking them or begging them to pick me up so i can hang out and watch them drink or smoke. its bullshit and i wont have it. i said last time, if anyone wants to chill call me, and just as i thought i got ONE phone call tonight and that was from oren, who is fucking awesome, and luckily doesnt go to my school so he doesnt count. orens the shit, and even though i couldnt chill he at least took the time to see what was up.
i found out a really ironic thing today. im in rehab, and theres this dude thats a sponser to a lot of kids and is really serious about his sobriety and shit. his name is craig sauners, and i found out today this kid used to go to stevenson. he used to be BAD ASS. he smoked down FIORE, TONY, THE GOLDMANS, and all these like big ass stoners and hard dealers and shit for their FIRST TIME smoking. and that just put like a completley different perspective on things for me. i had a whole 'some people will never change' attitude going in my mind, and if this dude is a sober born again guy then maybe people like the ones i mentioned before will change eventually. i dont know, but it kind of leaves hope and light at the end of the tunnel for mankind as a whole.
yeah so i'm graduating IOP soon into aftercare which means i'll have my car back, which means i will be in COMPLETE control of what i do. that should probably scare me because i might do the wrong thing, but i am confident that i wont. i think im in a really good place right now and i'd like to stay here. and now that im going to re-mobilize it will make it that much easier for me to do good things. make the right decisions.
i'm up high now, because i'm not letting anyone drag me down any longer.
i'm not playing fucking phone tag with my so called friends anymore.
i'm not waiting around or feeling awkward.
i'm not restricting myself to my own destruction, i'm free.
...a bird.. |
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| fuck all |
[Apr. 30th, 2004|12:00 am] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | The midway story - evercast shadow | ] |
i have been really pissed off and lonely recently. ironically my thoughts have been clearer and greater than ever before. i'm finally coming to terms with myself and my spirituality. i'm gonna describe this more in a future entry. and the same time i have grown farther and farther away from everyone around me. all i can wish for right now is someone to share my feelings with or a relationship of some sort, but i know that is completely unthinkable right now and so far away that i can barley imagine. who would want a fucked up struggling reclusive weirdo like me anyway? but as of now i can honestly say that i probably have no friends. so fuck everyone. if you want to talk to me or hang out with me call me. cuz i am not going to call anyone ever again, unless its predetermined. fuck you all. i'm growing a beard. i hope i never see any of you again.
fuck off,
later. |
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| same song, different girl (COMMENTS+COMMENTS+COMMENTS!!!!!) |
[Apr. 24th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | The Get Up Kids | ] |
there is no group of people that would accept me as a friend that doesnt drink. fuck me wanting to hang out with people, even people that i dont want to hang out with, but i could, still drink. its really really fucking hard for me. i mean i can't maintain like this for much longer.
today was my two month anniversary of being drug and alcohol free. it was hectic. i went to an a.a. meeting today, but it wasnt that good. everything just keeps piling up and its gonna bury me. i met up with ob... then like dimitry spies pus and a few of that crowd... sounds like a nice bunch right? i mean i'm thinking i can't possibly get into any trouble hanging with these kids. well... we went to some insane ridiculous house party where the liquor flowed like water. and i just couldn't scrape myself to the point of having fun. and if i was having fun it was in short two minute intervals when something funny happened or a clever scheme came up. all i wanted tonight was a drink and all of my problems in my world would have been solved. but i didnt drink. i came really really really close a few times, but i didnt. and now every single one of my problems is still here and haunting me more than ever before. i think a big problem was that i kept thinking about the future instead of thinking about right now, right here, today. i wasnt living one day at a time.
life can be a fishbowl in which we swim around and around chasing our tails. i think that when i get get obsessed with a problem, or lots of problems, i get stuck in its pain and lose sight of the solution. the more i worry, the more i seem to fearfully project into the future. in a.a. people have all these acronyms, and the acronym for FEAR is Future Events Appear Real. as soon as i step out of today and into tomorrow, i invite fear to join me. Living for today is the ability to stand back and be objective about what i can change and what i cant. its an acceptance of my limitations.its the wisdom not to bite off chunks of life too big for me to swallow in one day. Living for today i should realize, that this 24 hours well lived, will grow into happier tomorrows. but i dunno if i can do that right now... or i dunno why keep forgetting to do that or falling off track.
yeah so i used to have this song that described the relationship that i had with megan shipley.. its I'll Catch You (Megan's Song) by The Get Up kids. its was/is 'our song'. the fact that it was called megans song was just a coincidence. and now that ive grown apart from megan and have had this long term love/hate relationship with stephanie mezzano the song has sort of converted meaning for me from megan to stephanie. and i was listening to it on the car ride home today and it just reminded me so much of her and i in so many good and bad ways. i dont know, im a wierdo... but check the song out maybe someone somewhere will understand.
yeah so basically times have been rougher
sorry for this being real long
i hope that these gray skies will clear up and i'll someday be able to believe in what i write
but from here i can't even see the horizon because of the clouds.
a toast to two more months of sobriety
a toast to living another 16
onward |
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| creative writing #2 (please start leaving me comments again) |
[Apr. 20th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | built to spill | ] |
the dream is always the same. all the answers are always the same. in the end i'm always left cold and alone. today, the anniversary. we, i shall always remember. today was the second day of my life. today i fell off track. the dream is always the same. she leaves before she even ever came. so on this anniversary of the evil that has poisoned me so carelessly, i think to not drink, not drink to not think, i think to not crack, never go back. and i sit and give an effortless toast to the day that should never have happened, the day that was the second day of my life. hopefully the last one. until i die of a broken heart. there is no telling how soon that may come. all i have now is the certainty that when i lay my head down to rest i'll still have that dream and those thoughts of you in my head. thoughts of maybe? thoughts of something that will never ever be.
the
joy in
acceptance
the joy
in
discovery
who am i?
who do you want me to be? |
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| a bit too much to swallow |
[Apr. 17th, 2004|11:59 am] |
wow do i have a lot on my mind right now. i don't even no where to begin.
i just got home. and i just learned that a really close friend of mine is going down the same awkward road that ive gone down SO many times before. it has nothing to do with drugs or anything, but im really worried about him cuz every time i went down that road it led me to the same result, i got completley mindfucked. i just hope he doesnt end up like me... bleeding to death in a bathroom stall. or in a psych ward with a nose full of coke. it was a brief discussion but i warned him, i dont knwo if hes gonan listen to me, he probably wont. but either he will or he'll learn for himself. but i dunno, maybe its just me, maybe im the fucked up one and it had nothing to do with what hes doing. whatever im too vague for anyone to understand what im talking about anyway.
yeah so today i met with my sponser for breakfast and we had a chill time. then i wanted to go to an a.a. meeting but i got there kind of early and for some reason i decided to leave. that sort of scares me now that i come to think of it. i have been doing a lot of shady things like that latley. im going back to my old self and i so dont want to be that. ive been lying to my mom a lot. today me and chase (this kid from rehab who im not supposed to hang out with because of the rehab rules) hung out all day. i mean when i started this i was so dedicated to being sober and at least following most of the programs rules. and i dont think that im working my program at all. i dont know what happend. its really bugging me but i have no motivation. this could be for a couple of reasons. 1. no sober kids that i want to hang out with want to hang out with me. they hate me. i try to call fucking conner all the time, but he never picks up or just fucking ditches me, same with steve. i dont know what skor's deal is. dimitry is the same way. stephanie doesnt make any real solid effort to hang out with me either. that brings me to my second reason.
i ditched a.a. today to hang out with steph. this wasn't that good of a choice i guess. but now i dunno, my sort of 'proximity infatuation' with her is gone. i was initially happy do be friends with her again and it gave me a reason to wake up in the morning, it got me motivated to work my program and be sober and do sober things. but, i dunno, its just the same bullshit. i dunno what im talking about, i should really get my thoughts sorted out before i write these things. but i still love you stephanie. remember no matter what i say.
yeah so me and chase went frolfing with ricky shappy pat singer and oren. it was really fun, but i did pretty shitty. then we had a really chill time just sitting at rickys, in his backyard with his bon fire thing. it was a relaxing night we were with a buncha people.
oh yeah i got a speeding ticket today that sucked, im on supervision, and i have another ticket, and im driving on 3 tickets right now. i dont know how much longer im gonna have my lisence. this sucks.
yeah i dont have much to say im in a moderate mood.
im going to go pay a visit to holden.
goodnight salutations. |
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| so far so good |
[Apr. 14th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | bright eyes- first day of my life | ] |
so nothing exciting has happend latley. i realized that i've been going about this second step all wrong though. in an A.A. meeting today i noticed that it actually says "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" all this time i was trying to find that power. i was reading torah, bible, koran, buhdist shit. i was thinking for hours searching for meaning. trying to do what people dedicate their lives to doing and still never find. i was trying to find that power. but i dont have to do that. i just have to believe that it, no matter what it is, exists. and that is EASY by comparison. i used to not believe that, but now i do.. i mean ive gotten so many second chances, there a reason for all of this, everything happens for a reason i think i believe that now. so i do believe that there is a power no matter what that is that can restore me back to sanity. so i think im finally done with step 2. i'm gonna talk to my sponser and see what he has to say about that. so i MIGHT be on Step 3 now which is... "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him" i'm not gonna get ahead of myself though. one day at a time.
So today is the first day of my life.
i finally understand. i finally care.
i think i was blind before i met you.
i'm glad i didn't die before i met you.
All this time a part of me has been dying. and i am so happy about that. i'm finally not overly obsessive insecure self concience and timid. that part of me is dying and is almost gone and i've learned new skills like courage and gratitude.
thankyou to everyone that is supporting me
i couldnt be happier.
thankyou higher power that guides me through these days.
thankyou everyone that gives me a reason to wake up in the morning.
fuck off to all my 'friends' that have abandoned me. cuz i'm not who i've become but what you made me into.
thanks to oren for being awesome.
thanks to steph for regaining her awesomeness... slowly but surely.
i'm changing.
so everyday is the first day of my life.
everyday. |
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| oren |
[Apr. 13th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | Dashboard Confessional (kickin it oldschool) | ] |
oren is awesome. he is a dedicated reader of mine. he is super awesome and cool. his life is a little fucked up right now, he got expelled, he doesnt even go to school, his llife is sheit... but he'll get through that shit and be a big dogg in the end. i'm happy to say that i'm helping him through his struggle by providing insight on my own. so big shout outs to oren. its his birthday today. my nigga. big shoutouts all around.
oren keep ya head up
i'm doing fine i dont have much else to write about i dont have much on my mind except someone that has brightened up my days recently and made a huge plus in my world of recent minuses. thanks stephanie, i love you.
oren is the man
oren is god
MC REN goNNA TEAR THIS MUTHAFUCKA UP
peace and tranquility to all |
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| another day in this fantastic charade |
[Apr. 12th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | still velvet underground | ] |
well the word is out and its incredibly true. i had a fabulous day today. i didnt even care that it was monday. i dont think the smile left my face for very long all day. i was happy and hyper and energetic. reminds me of my adderall days. everything went smoothly and i was triumphant. i played laser tag with holden for hours on end today i think i was getting as much entertainment as he was. the fun was endless. i talked to steph on the fone for awhile and that went pretty well. she didnt call me back, she never does, she never did, i dont expect her too anymore. and i dont care. its like all of a sudden i just woke up. its the most delightful feeling in the world, its like my 3000mg of depakote (bipolar medication) per day finally kicked in and my mood is finally stabilized. born again. i saw the light, the sign, it opened up my eyes. ha. i just hope to my absent higher Power that this feeling lasts. i pray that this glow i have recently gained will stay. hope.hope.hope. one day at a time.
so now that i am so cheerful i ponder... why did i ever start doing drugs in the first place? well alcohol is easy- i started drinking around 12 or 13 b/c it was the cool thing to do just because we wern't allowed. and eventually because it got us laughs cuz we would be so stupid when drunk. i always dreamed of smoking the forbidden marijuana... like in the movies... like all my idols... cheech, jimi, jim, john, bob, chong, eric, robert. i wanted to be a great musician and i thought pot would do it for me. i had never picked up an instrument, and pot didnt make me into shit. so i stopped smoking and became a HEAVY drinker. then my constant chronic alcoholism and lack of developed social skills made me depressed and thats when i started heavily smoking pot again. then eventually i lost all motivation and all my morales and turned to an adventure to find hope or meaning in this cut throat society. this plus hard drugs landed me where i needed to go, and now i realize the only meaning i need to find is within myself and maybe god, but im not sure just yet.
im getting ahead of myself... back to the beginning- passed the time of curiosity- what made me want to go out of hand? i think i was just too fucking sad. and i wanted to relate so badly to people that i had nothing in common with. so then at least i would think that someone wanted me around... even if it was just to throw down. "drugs and alcohol are the cause and solution to ALL of life's problems." i'll never forget that. but a word of warning to everyone who hasn't been where i've been just yet. don't get the viscous circle started if you don't have to. it's a waste of life. the circle's hard to break, but its possible. theres things better than the bottle or the pipe or the rock or the needle.
look at me now happy as fuck for now. and all my idols are heroin and cocaine addicts.
my love, regards, and hope to you all.
i bid you good evening. |
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| weeks end, lives begin, or end |
[Apr. 11th, 2004|10:54 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | The Velvet Underground | ] |
this weekend was a really good one for me for all sorts of reasons. well actually for one main reason which is, i actually had fun. and i havnt had that for a fucking while. it started shitty with the thursday night usual friday night bullshit. then i realized that stephanie left me feedback for one of my entries and that pissed me off initially but i gave her a chance to say what she had to say. and damn, when she was done i felt like shit. so over the weekend there was a lot of arguing and a lot of fighting with her but then we settled our differences and we're cool now. which means no more random outbursts of "whore!" or "cunt!" in my entries. wow it feels great to know that someone either really does, or wastes their time pretending to care about me.
anyway on friday night after rush everyone went to bizmarks, but i decided to fuck the bullshit and go to an a.a. meeting with a few junkie friends of mine. then we went to this kid steve who's a heroin addict's house and chilled and watched 'the brave little toaster'. it was pretty bomb, stoner/junkie girls are hot. so then i went to this cokehead girl's house from deerfield and we chilled hardcore.
so on saturday i woke up at like four because no one ever calls me and wakes me up anymore. and then i tried to find some shit to do but it didnt work. so i called up hills and we picked up shipley and went to this rock show at bumpers pool. after that we got into a few adventures and picked up ob. then we went and chilled at mikey's, which was alright. then me and ob and hills played a buncha driving games and almost got arrested a buncha times. then i went home and oren picked me up at like 230 and we chilled for awhile. then the night was over.
sunday i went to a 1:00pm a.a. meeting expecting to see my sponser there but i guess he ditched me. i met a few mexican gang bangers there, that was cool. then i came home and didnt do shit all day. i basically dedicated all of today to arguing then finally making up with steph.
i've also been doing a lot of thinking about this higher power, finding god shit. and i spend hours crushing my brain about it and it just doesnt work. i need to find a reason to wake up in the morrning. someone to pray to. a reason to go to sleep at night. something to look forward to. a meaning. a higher purpose. spirituality. someone please help me. leave me comments.
but all an all this weekend was probably the most sober fun i've ever had in so long. i actually had fun. i am actually happy. finally. hallelujah! i am completley content with everything and everyone around me right now. but that's probably because of this new curiousity on the horizon with certain people, things that might happen, or seeing if i wont start hating steph in 5 minutes. but, i beg please please, let this feeling stay.
let me stay here for at least another day
please? |
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| 3 short metaphorical biographical stories/poems about today's conversations with an old friend. |
[Apr. 9th, 2004|01:50 am] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | Son, Ambulence | ] |
#1
i forgot to turn my guard on. i left a message so she could receive. i am slowly letting the culprit back in. the front door is cracked open just a bit. i'm letting myself be convinced. things are different now. this time the bottle is full. this time theres a happy ending. im not completely numbed by the new attraction, i am still more weary than i had ever been before. and the thief may slip in without a trace but i will catch her before any damage has been done to the goods. change? change! that couldnt be what she said? i've heard it all before. it's as easy as robbing yourself. it's like getting played in a game of show and tell.
#2 (continuation of #1 but with more rhyming)
the door may be open, i might be willing, but i have a baseball bat hidden in the back for this villain.
she might think that her games might work as they have before but if something goes awry the path she will take is strait out the door.
noway will i die for you ever again, that part of me is gone... will you fit in with the new or just pretend like you always do?
#3(completely different: entitled heroin)
you make me so high, but never actually do me any good. the more often i see you the lesser the high gets and if you don't run out i'll just get sick of you, i'll go through withdrawl, and i'll end up comming back to you. and when i need you most you're not there. you betray me in the end. and if you leave me, instead of me you, you'll leave me in withdrawl: craving and wanting more. a quick fix. eventually i just need you to feel normal. and then you abandon me and i feel depressed and alone and i hit rock bottom, where i would do anything for you. anything just to make me feel like you want me around. now that i've finally rid myself of your terrible affliction, i find myself thinking about you and contemplating you less and less with each day. and now, here you are again, how will it end this way. cuz i'm all out of second chances.
"there's to be final hits, and there's to be final hits, what was this gonna be?"
-Marc Renton, Trainspotting
A.A. thought of the day: A.A. people say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. i'm on step 2 which means finding a Power that is greater than myself that will restore me back to sanity. i feel like i'm going down that insane road again... but this time i was assured different results by a third party.... we'll see... just wait and seee... we shall soon know |
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| insert optional title here |
[Apr. 7th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | pedro the lion | ] |
ive been eating leavened bread all day. i feel bad ass. when you enter a rehab place or an insane asylum their is initially some tension between you and the other people. you are shy and not quick to make relationships. but as time goes on people start to leave, and more importantly new people start coming.. you start becoming a veteran. it kinda makes you feel good it kinda makes you feel stupid in a way. i cant explain it, but its a feeling most will never experience.
the past two days have been pretty boring- yesterday i went for a full day of school then rehab i was fucking unbelieveably tired. so today i only went to the first two periods then i came home and slept till about 4. then i sat around and moped for awhile while watching tv n smokin cigs. ive come to notice something different about my life now as opposed to like a year ago. i never ever talk to anyone on the phone anymore.i used to spend my whole night talking on the fone like a fucking lil girl. to different people about the same shit. i used to not have enough time to call everyone back. it would literally be my whole night. these days i'm lucky if i have a 5 minute conversation with someone once a week.
how did this happen? is this the fault of a gradual decline in phone usage as drug usage increased? did people not want to talk to me anymore when i started being fucked up all the time? no. i think i know what it was. i think i started devoting all my phone time to a certain person. and i started neglecting everyone else. poison. whore. anyway no one fucking calls me anymore. cuz for awhile i wouldnt pick up no matter who called. so if anyone wants to call me feel free. cuz i spend ALL my time now sitting starring at a blank ceiling, talking to myself, or to my cat. actually if anyones noticed that does talk to me in short sporadic increments on the phone... i've completley lost my telephone voice. i have to clear my throat all the time now.. i sound like a fuckin dumbass on the phone now. so please call me anytime and i will talk to you.
still slowly deteriorating* |
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| back in the swing of things |
[Apr. 5th, 2004|11:04 pm] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | bright eyes- one foot in front of the other | ] |
i am incredibly tired. i hate school, i am gettin such shitty grades. spring is almost in full swing, and i hate it. it is my least favorite season... all the girls try and wear all these shitty strange skirts and flipflops n shit and try to look all cute but they just look rediculous. i am so unwilling and unmotivated to go forward or to meet new people, get new friends, rid myself of my insanity. i am unwilling to admit that there is a Power greater than me that can restore me back to sanity. i want to be a better person but its so hard. i think that passover today actually helped a little bit... it got me to buy into the fallacy a little more than it had in the past. i guess i'm a lot more vulnerable and gullible right now than ive ever been... cuz im still just looking for something worth living for other than drugs. living for god just seems so played out. i wouldnt mind finding love... i'd live for someone else... but i doubt anyone would live for me.
here's a toast true love and to people that i havn't met just yet.
*<3*</3*<3* |
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| meh |
[Apr. 5th, 2004|01:29 am] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | death cab for cutie | ] |
right now i'm just writing a journal entry just to make myself feel like im talking to someone. i have nothing to bitch about right now. i have no unifying theory of life to share with anyone. today was an okay day. it actually wasn't that bad. i woke up after my 4 hours or so of sleep at like 12:30 (fuck daylight savings) and went to a 1:00pm a.a. meeting at the paletine club.. i chilled with my sponsor, brian, there for awhile and told him about my week and shit that was going on. i told him about how i think about relapsing sometimes and shit like that he told me a bunch of a.a. shit and it made me feel better. he asked me if i was journaling like he suggested and i told him i was... i told him it really helps out which it does- but i didnt tell him it was an online journal that everyone can read. whatever.
i went and picked up kogan and his hookah after the a.a. meeting and we got a bite to eat then cruised back to my house we set up the hookah and ripped it (it had nargila in it, a form of flavored tobacco, not pot) till we were ready to pass out. then holden pounced on it and tipped it which ended up burning a hole in my rug. because of this incident we were forced to change hookah location to the kitchen from the basement. then john, kevin and mary stopped by and chilled/ripped hookah for awhile. mary is a strange person. here's why: i think that mary is really really cute/hot and she's cool as shit and fun to be around, but if i tell her i like her she'll accuse me of lying, thats bullshit. i think i'm fucking credible. so anyway, ignoring that last comment, mary, john and kevin left. then me and kogan went downstairs and watched resevoir dogs.
then i dropped him off at haywire and went to an 8:30 a.a. meeting at the serenity house in libertyville. it was a good meeting, i got out at 9:30 and then i picked up ricky and kevin and we did some night photography.. it was pretty fun except for the coldness. i dropped them off, came home, ate, and now i'm going to fucking sleep because i have to go to 'school' tomorrow.
p.s. jenni collons is my favorite person that i don't know- and if she's reading this then she should be smiling because i am against giving shout outs in my journal entries- but shes an exception. |
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| if you leave a comment say who its from you assholes |
[Apr. 4th, 2004|11:57 pm] |
|
and if youre shady and don't- then may the flees of a thousand camels infest your pubic region... and if youve written anonymous comments before then come clean now and the curse will be lifted |
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| daylight savings fucks everyone in the end |
[Apr. 4th, 2004|04:52 am] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | azure ray (the drinks we drank last night LP) | ] |
goddammit its 4:52 but it only feels like 3:52- this is going to ruin my next 6 months or so. winter is pretty much gone- thats a plus for people like me that are seasonally depressed. i havnt had any real significant change of mood in the last few days...i'm still pissed off at the world and everyone for alegedly conspiring against me. i had a few really good conversations with people today about friendship and life in general and it really hit a chord with me cuz it made me realize that im not insane and that im not the only one witnessing this horrible display of humanity. i came to a conclusion actually today while speaking to my old chap kevin... life and people have their good points.. their good times- sometimes someone will actually make you think that they give a shit about what happends to you, but all these moments and all these things are only small blips on an otherwise uninterrupted downward tradjectory... a little wordy- but to some it all up: we all have good times, but in the big scheme of things we're going nowhere fast. relationships don't exist, people don't exist, we're all fucking alone, at least i think so. someone prove me wrong, i beg you.
i guess thats just what you start thinking when all of the people you've grown up with have faded away or disappeared, when youre surrounded by shadeballs and thieves that get into fist fights over who stole whose pack of cigarettes. but i guess that these are the only friends i've got right now and i better not take that for granted because it'll just leave more time for me to and think about shit like i'm doing now and eventually i'll end up killing myself with my own mind.
is there any group of friends that wants to adopt me? some dudes with cars and strong morales, that dont do drugs or drink but are open to a lot of things and love dangerous fun? sounds like a wierdo cult to me (no offense to mormans). but hey maybe i should start a cult... yeah dude who wants in? |
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| nothing |
[Apr. 3rd, 2004|03:16 am] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | SoCo - Konstantine (i was listening to my old cds earlier) | ] |
today was friday. i guess the day that everyone waits for all week in anticipation. i can honestly say that i did absolutely nothing today. i woke up then i went to rush at 5, then i went to an a.a. meeting, then i came home and ate and watched tv with holden. my days have become shittier and shittier in the past week. i dunno whats going on, i think i'm dying or something.
thanks to everyone for all the comments and feedback theyve been giving me, oren fuck you for attempting to shatter my hope, but i can assure you that im done being depressed, at least for now... i also don't do stupid shit like you do so i wont have to worry about it OREN.
i wish that i had my car right now. i'd drive for hours, just going nowhere, i wouldnt go to parties, i wouldnt hang out with people, i'd just drive. i think i've developed a sort of motionless sickness, all this sitting and not doing anything that i have been doing in the past month or so has kind of built up and made me wanna puke. i just wish that i could drive for hours, i'm sick of laying and smoking cigs and starring at my ceiling, cuz thats pretty much what my life has reduced to now. but im not complaining.
it's like i've become sort of a recluse, i'm awake when no one else is, i'm sleeping when everyones out, and if i'm up i've either locked myself in my room and just smoke cigs and drink coffe till i pass out or i'm hanging out with a bunch of random crackheads at some a.a. meeting in the ghetto. i guess this is a change of lifestyle, i just don't feel like talking or hanging out with anyone right now, i mean i'll try to meet up with people out of natural instinct, but i'll either sit and complain about what we're doing or want to go home when i'm out. this journal is really my only output right now, so i try and put exactly what i'm thinking into it- cuz it's like my only real unadulterated contact with the outside world right now.
i'm thinking i should try and replace my habits. like i should start working out or get into some sort of shape. or i should learn how to play piano. i should do something constructive.
i'm off drugs now, but i still feel like i'm going downhill, i think thats my main problem, does anyone have any ideas? i mean seriously? humor me. |
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| the difference (RE: step2/12) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2004|03:16 am] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | nofx- freedom like a shopping cart | ] |
they tell me that theres a difference between sobriety and abstinence. not doing drugs after a prolonged period of drug use is abstinence, changing yourself is sobriety. some people think that it takes years to get sober. to change your lifestyle, the people you hang out with, the way you think. like for an example- everytime i walk into a walgreens i look to see where the cameras are- thats me being a theif, a drug addict, a shiester. and as long as someone keeps exhibiting behaiviors like these, no matter how long they havnt done drugs in, theyre not clean. your sober date is just a number, it doesnt matter how long you havnt done drugs in.what counts is when you change how you live. and i honestly think im coming closer and closer to that point. i havnt been sober for that long in comparison to other people i know, but i think im trying, and some of the things i listen to and the shit that i see really has opened my eyes.
i never believed in god. for as long as i remember. i guess it was just the way i was raised, the way things happened to me at a young age... shit like that. i never believed that everthing happened for a reason. i always believed that everything was random and that everyone is completley alone when you break it all down. but i think thats changing, i think i'm changing. im not believing in organized religion or anything, but i think im gaining back some form of spirituality that i lost somewhere along the line. somewhere, whether it was before or after drugs, i lost a part of me. and i think i'm slowly gaining that back. but i guess the thing is that things like this take time, and why waste your time, when you can have it all with just another hit? drugs are easier and quicker, so maybe this is good for me.
i'm slowly but steadily gaining back my sanity
''keep comming back it works if you work it sober'' (a.a. chant) |
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| just a note.. |
[Apr. 1st, 2004|03:02 am] |
this is a note to an avid reader of mine....
********* ******* i hate you. i don't want you in my life. i recently burnt or gave away every letter you wrote me or anything that reminds me of you. you are a disease so stay away from me. stop trying to come in contact with me. stop trying to call me or write shit to me. every time i hear your name i cringe in discust. i consider you a drug and a threat to my being sober. i'm trying to lead a clean meaningful life, so dont fuck that up for me. in the unlikley situation that we might be caught in the same place, just whore around in front of me like you usually do, it doesnt bother me anymore.
i hope this is goodbye for the last time...
love allways,
yours truely
mike </3 |
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| people change (shitty day+ okay day= shitty, but okay, spring break) |
[Apr. 1st, 2004|02:43 am] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | the doors- people are strange | ] |
yeah dude, tuesday sucked hard. i sat around my house all day and holden was being a pain in the ass. then i went to rush, which was shitty cuz i kept getting kicked out for saying stupid shit. then i went to singers, which was like the place to be for the past few days.. so i was thinkin like 'sweet finally singers not a shadeball and i can chill' and then i arrived at the cockfest to end all cockfests. this was honestly no less then 40 guys and two girls, that isnt an exageration at all either. so to kick off the cockfest they boxed the garage with the 40 guys (singers garage is really small). then the 40 guys sat around and drank. and the thing was i might have tried to convince myself to stay (even though im sober) if the guys were at least cool, but not even. i swear it was the gayest group of people of all time. its all these people that have wanted to kick my ass for years, and like all i got was shitty looks and it just made me realize what my "best friends" had become. no one started shit with me, i sat in the corner and mostly kept to myself. that sucked.. hard. yeah so today was okay. i woke up at the usual time, kevin picked me up and we went down to paletine to get cigs and to old navy to get beaters, and that was chill. he dropped me off and i chilled with holden for a few hours, then my mom came home and i met up with j.t. and zach attack. we chilled for a lil bit then shappy picked us up and we all went to rickys. we hung out at rickys for awhile and it was an alrite time. the main topic of this journal entry i think is how people change. i mean a good example is shappy- ive been friends with him for years, and i thgought i always would be- be he is so different now. and i cant explain what it is. like sometimes he still is the old school shappy i used to know, but mostly its just bullshit. its like- when did he stop giving a fuck? hes just so completley different now that it makes me sick. yeah i dunno maybe i'm the one thats changed and im the one thats fucked up. theres a lot of shit goin on in my head right now. like i hang out with my "friends" and i feel so disconnected, i feel like an outcast everywhere i go. i feel like a character in everybody elses show. i should just sit in my fucking house with all the shades down with my cat and never go outside or talk to anyone.
it wouldnt be bad never seeing the light of day again.
p.s. if you have something to say about my diary, go to comments. dont say shit to me in person thats why it says 'ask me why and i'll spit in your eye' |
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| another day of dismay |
[Mar. 30th, 2004|02:37 am] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | laura laurent (bright eyes) | ] |
today was another borring day. the usual happend. my old friends were being shady, my 'people i hang out with sometimes' that i hung out with today were borring, i hung out with evan for liek 3 hours doing nothing, then i had rush, then i hung out with hills and and andrew kaplan. we drove around looking for fun but we couldnt find it, no big surprise here. andrew kaplan gives jewish people a bad name. all he does is complain and spaz out and keep kosher. the extent of it is rediculous. yeah so i was questioning my sobriety earlier. do i believe in the a.a. program or do i think its bullshit? i guess i'm getting more of a kick out of proving people wrong than actually staying sober for myself. i don't know what to think anymore. maybe i should belive in god. i always thought that religion was just a drug for people who didnt do drugs. so maybe thats what i need. i dunno, i dont think so. organized religion is a sham, but i think it would be good to have faith in someone or something, to believe in something. maybe i'll give it a try. maybe.. |
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| i have a journal |
[Mar. 29th, 2004|02:40 am] |
| [ | :: music :: |
| | the smiths | ] |
so as some of you might know, a lot of shit has gone down with me recently. my sponser for a.a. told me that writing in a journal would help me cope with shit, so here i am. i figure that for some reason im more comfertable writing shit publically for people that would take time to look at it, then just writing it in a journal for myself. so i've been going through a lot of shit. i've pretty much decided that i have no reason to live anymore. i mean what am i without alcohol and drugs? i'm nothing, im powerless. so now i'm trying to make some of my friends back in a state of full concioussness, and that is the fucking hardest thing ever. they remind me so much of myself that it makes me sick just to look at them. i'm also trying to win back some old friends so i can build a 'sober support system' but thats also fucking hard when drugs have deflowered and destroyed everything and everyone around me.everything is really complicated right now for me. the whole thing makes me feel fucking alone. and to top it all off theres all these shitty stupid people getting in the way of me dealing with shit. shitty people that i dont want anything to do with anymore, i dont want to be associated with anymore, and that i'm sorry that i ever met and let them poision my life. i wish i could just go get plastered. or go try to o'd somewhere. but i guess this is my last second chance. i better not fuck up. i dunno, i lost myself thinking there for a minute. i'm kind of tired so i'm going to sleep. i bid you good evening. |
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